Hope All Is Well

I’ve got a real problem happening here, you guys.

Do you want to know what annoys me more than a cleavage car selfie or a long line at an LA Starbucks?

Hot asian girls. (They always travel in packs, they’re never paying attention to their surroundings and their hair is always better than mine).

But anyways, more than attention-seeking selfie-sluts, more than personal assistants and interns, and even MORE than just-the-right-amount-of-grease-in-their-hair Asian girls, I especially hate getting a particular text. The text that says: hope all is well.

...Guess who you’re getting that text from? Not from someone who truly knows anything about your actual ‘well’-being!

It’s clearly coming from someone you don’t talk to anymore.

And why don't you talk to them anymore?

I think it's safe to say that you probably don’t talk to them anymore because you probably don’t like them anymore.

[If I like you, I talk to you. Ask my friends, I’ve got heaps to say. All of the time.]

Usually, or at least in my experience, this text is coming from a distant ex who you finally stopped thinking about and then HERE THEY COME….POPPING UP….HOPING ALL IS WELL.

First of all, everything is fine. I’m fine.

I may be sweating while sedentary. But I am fine.

Secondly, what does that even mean- ‘hope all is well’? Did I post something on Twitter that made it seem like I wasn’t doing well? Did you hear about my recent incident at the airport? WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HOPE ALL IS WELL?

You want to know what’s well? My drinks at the bar are well.

(Hopefully you saw what I did there.)

Do you actually ‘hope all is well’? Because let’s face it, the only way I’m doing well is if you’re totally not doing well.

I’d be doing well if you thought I was the greatest person in the world and missed me every single second of every single day. That would make me remarkably well!

So, is that what you’re telling me with this nebulous text?
(Because if so, an edible arrangement and/or cash would suffice).

OR are you just trying to be casually civil? Which one is it? I don’t get it. What does it mean? Am I supposed to respond hoping you’re doing well just because you hope I’m doing well?

Don’t expect a response.

This is very frustrating because chances are, the person sending the text did something to mess something up. Everything is well within a relationship until one person makes it unwell; am I right or am I right? (...ladies?)

Not to play the victim card here-but odds are, they were the one who messed it up. And now, months have gone by and Pompous Pete thinks he can show up on his high horse wishing you well!

Not how it works, Pete. You’re the bad guy. Stay that way.

Basically, an ex sending you a text message that reads, ‘hope all is well’ after breaking your heart is like Clinton appearing on CNN and saying, ‘We cool, A’murica?”

...NO, CLINTON. WE’RE NOT COOL!

Two truths and a lie: All is well, I’m over it, and I’ve stopped sweating.