Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Bitter

Shalom.

If you follow me on twitter, you've probably gathered that I could rant about certain common themes amongst social media for hours, but let’s try to keep it brief. I have a dentist appointment later.

The Hyperbolic Hashtags 

Here is something that I am unfortunately seeing more and more of: 

#Blessed

This is the most infuriating thing to me on social media. I sincerely want to stick a fork in my eyeball every single time I see a girl do this. (I will want to stick a fork in an infants eyeball if a guy ever does this.)

It’s mainly frustrating because the [yellowish-box-died] blonde girls with grown out roots and too thin of eyebrows that participate in this kind of nonsense are totally abusing the term: ‘blessed’.

Just this morning as I was sitting in traffic on my way to work, I was scrolling through my twitter feed, you know, being the decent driver that I am, and a girl tweeted:

“Such a nice day out!!! #soblessed”

Let’s try to get a few things straight, tinker bell.  

Just because it’s ‘a nice day out’ does not mean that you are ‘so blessed.’

It simply means that it’s just a nice day out. It’s not a nice day out just for you, but also for everyone else currently under the pleasant sun and sky. 

What exactly sets you apart to feel #soblessed?

Nothing. Go get your roots done.

I don’t know, maybe it’s just me being a bit uncouth, but I have never found something so mundane in life and thought to myself; Wow, I really am just so blessed. In fact, I feel so blessed I am going to throw a hashtag on that ish and tweet it for everyone to know just how blessed I feel.

(I take that back, I will feel so blessed when you all stop hashtagging ‘blessed’.)

#soblessed

Teen Moms

(Don’t worry I’m totes ready for the hate mail)

Our generation has become pretty twisted. Here’s a fact about our generation: the more bad decisions you make in life, the more popular you become on Facebook.

TEEN MOMS HAVE TAKEN OVER FACEBOOK.

It’s my observation that Teen Mom’s have become the celebrities of Facebook.

What’s with our society making us think that popularity will come from making bad decisions with black guys? (This is a Kardashian reference. Love ya, Khlo and Kourt. Hatecha, Kim).

I think it is bizzare. I was always taught to go to school, get good grades and not to get knocked up. When I made a status about graduating college, I got three likes. THREE LIKES.

One was from my Mom (who likes everything I post on Facebook) P.s., if you’re reading this, Mom--please get off Facebook. The other was from a guy named Terrance who is always slappin likes on my pictures back from 2008 and also always sending me messages that say: ‘wats good’. The last was from a distant Aunt in New Hampshire.

…NO BABY. NO LIKES.

These kinds of status’ are what get me the most:

“Ugh. Can’t sleep cuz baby Jasmine-Rose keeps fussing.  She’s still the best thing that’s ever happened to me!!!!! #momlife #blessed”

1. If you are parenting a child, let’s try to take the time to spell out the word ‘because’, shall we? 

2. Your child’s name is Jasmine-Rose? I’m sorry, was your baby conceived at a Yankee Candle? If so, that’s actually romantic as shit.

3. So sorry you can’t fall asleep; however, I guarantee if you got off of your computer and counted sheep on the wall of the basement you live in, you’d be one step closer to falling into a nice deep slumber. Letting Facebook know that you can’t fall asleep indefinitely won’t speed up the process at all. I promise.

And clearly, you are not blessed. Neither is J-Rose.

(Like I said, totes ready for the hate mail).

Single Girls on Social Media / #SingleGirlProbz

I feel like a lot of my female peers who are single spend most of their time complaining about being single.

Not cute. Really, it’s not even a little bit cute.

It is so annoying when girls complain about being single because it is simply annoying when anyone desperately cries out for attention. Maybe if you stopped complaining, things would be working out a little bit better for you. Being a whiney dependent brat is not attractive, just a little something you might want to work on.  

Here’s my theory on being in a relationship in your young twenties: Don’t do it. 

I’m not saying that I’m not just jaded and broken on the inside but I’m also not saying that I’m not, not smart.

I have friends who are in relationships and guess what, those friends aren’t very happy and their relationships aren’t very healthy.

They are always stressing out and getting themselves all worked up about what the other person is doing or who their gf/bf is snap chatting. That does not sound fun to me.

Don’t get me wrong, I am a big love bug…. but the facts are the facts:

Boys fuck things up. Girls are just fucked up.

I have a life to live. I do not have the time to be stalking your ex-girlfriend all day long or trying to break into your phone. Sometimes, I have to go to work. 

_________

I think I just realized that if I put half of the energy into my career as I did into worrying about what my last boyfriend was doing behind my back, I wouldn’t have to have this stupid blog and you wouldn’t have to be reading it. 

Two truths and a lie: A teen mom is going to beat me up later tonight. I'm going to use it as an excuse to get out of work tomorrow. Being alone is great.