Hold Up, Holla Days

The holidays are great. I love going home and being with my dysfunctional family and blacked out friends. The best part about home is obviously having your Mom pay for your bar bill, along with finding out that the girl you always exchanged dirty looks with in Forever 21 throughout high school now has chlamydia. It's just the best!

Throughout my travels, I noticed a few things I'd like to talk about.

(I completely understand if this is where you stop reading).

Christmas Engagements:

Guys, are you being serious?

I would be so pissed if a guy proposed to me on ANY holiday, ESPECIALLY Christmas. You think I want to share this day with the rest of the world? Not even a little bit. I want my presents spaced out...as much as possible. Propose to me in like September or June, just a month when nothing is really going on and it's warm enough outside for me to have natural highlights and a bit of a tan. 

All I'm saying is to just be a little bit more considerate. No one wants to look pale and chubby in an engagement photo; the Walden filter on Instagram can only do so much.

I'm clearly a real treat! Who wouldn't want to spend the rest of their life with this roller coaster? I KNOW! 

The Naked3 Palette:

This bullshit was a real hit this year.

I love you so much, Carrie Brenner; but this palette is kind of ridiculous. I just don't understand all the hype about it. Who needs THAT many eyeshadows? How do you make a decision in the morning? And how come your Instagram photo of it has more likes than my #TBT picture with Clinton? 

Definitely not just bitter because I didn't get the Naked3 Palette for Christmas. That's totally not it at all. I love my boring eye lids and self-help books from my Mom. 

The Girl Who Is Way Too Dressed Up At The Airport:

I'm really disturbed by this girl. 

Heals? …at the airport? Come on. You just look like an asshole. It is 6 o'clock in the morning. 6am! You had the time to put on a full contoured face of makeup, tease your hair AND wear a cute outfit? That's fine as long as you realize everyone behind you in security wants to beat you with a hot curling iron. You can not possibly be comfortable in what you're wearing. If this kind of girl is reading this, I don't understand you. You're just going to be sittin so stop with the struttin, girl. I've traveled enough to know that you never sit next to a cute boy on the plane. You sit next to a retired English teacher who talks to you about her bionic hip, for 5 hours.

#CinnabonAndYogaPants 

The Flight Attendant Who Thinks He's A Comedian:

Oh man, this has gotten bad. Real bad.

Flying Southwest feels like a Sunday night at The Comedy Store. Here we are, all held hostage, uncomfortably smooshed together and Gary thinks it's time to tell knock-knock jokes! Guess what, Gary-you're not a comedian. Hate to break it to ya, but you are a male flight attendant. Named Gary. Let's just keep it real here. You're job is to pass out the disturbingly scarce amount of snacks that we get on this flight and then clean up after me. You are not a comedian and no one is listening to you. There is nothing funny that could possibly follow the casual statement of; "In the event of a water landing…" 

IN THE 'EVENT' OF A WATER LANDING?!?!

In the event of a water landing, I'm pretty sure we're not LANDING. We're CRASHING. Also, we are all dead. You think death is funny, Gary? Watch out, Hollywood, we've got another edgy one!  

Look, Gare-Bear, it's my job to make bad jokes in front of people who aren't paying attention, you just stick with telling us what to do with the oxygen mask before we die. 

__________

Really, I hope everyone had a lovely holiday.

I can't wait to hear about all of your New Years Resolutions! Keep the forced-cleavage selfies coming, they're the best!!

(Truths and lies are throughout)