Football: Facts & Feelings

Ugh. Here we go.

Fact: There is nothing more annoying than a girl pretending to care about football.

My biggest issue here is the kind of girl that wears a pink football jersey. A pink football jersey is preposterously dumb. That’s why Walmart carries them. You don’t typically find the most intelligent people walking around in Walmart’s clothing. (Although, I have found some great staple items from the Miley Cyrus line, shout out to my girl).

I have decided that I will not pretend to truly care about football. I get that guys think that it’s sexy or 'cool' if a girl is all about sports and wears the jerseys and the t-shirts, tweets at the players and drinks beer or participates in a fantasy league....

Cool. Go for that girl, but just know that she is full of shit and very annoying.

I think that football should be a guy thing and girls, we need to mind our own business and just take that time during fall Sundays to organize our feelings.

Fact: Black guys are fast. 

Also, sometimes they get angry.

(That pretty much sums up football. GOODNIGHT!)

Fact: Couples that go to games together are the ultimate worst.

The only thing that’s worse than couples who go to football games together are couples who take pictures at football games together.

You guys, a selfie is bad enough as it is on its own; please don’t take one of the two of you in matching outfits. And for sure, don’t post it on Facebook.

Fact: The best part about football is the dip. 

If you want to sit on the couch and scream at people who can’t hear you and also don’t even know that you exist, that’s totally fine. But I am going to be in the corner enjoying all of the dips. It’s actually the only time I don’t feel bad about myself while eating dip. All kinds of dip. Crab dip, buffalo chicken dip, dip with crackers, dip with bread just slightly toasted, it’s all delish. You can’t be having a kale and craisin salad while a football game is on, lets just keep it real.

Fact: The Redskins are not a good team.

I grew up in Maryland, where everyone I know is either a Redskins fan or a Ravens fan. On Sundays, my Twitter feed is filled with people hashtagging things like #RGIII, #HTTR, and #HAIL. Stop tweeting in acronym form, guys. 

Also, every (American) boyfriend I have ever had has been a Redskins fan. I just don’t understand. THEY NEVER WIN. Like, THEY NEVER WIN.

All I know is that if I’m going to be a football fan, I’m going to like a team that occasionally wins.

I’ve already done my fair share of supporting guys who fuck up all the time by dating you losers; the Redskins need to give up.

Fact: I am a terrible football fan. 

(Meh, let's actually not even use the term, ‘fan’).

To be honest, there was a time when I used to try to be the cool sexy girl who knew about sports, and I tried hard.

I chose to like the New York Giants because Jay-Z made New York sound cool and also I look good in blue. It all added up for me. (The Giants won the Superbowl that year so it was actually really working out).

Then, my Mom (who is an interior designer) became friendly with Joe Flacco as she decorated his house. My Mom also discovered that she likes dip too so she became a full-blown Ravens fan and my brother was already a huge Ravens fan. It kind of sucked because now I didn’t fit in with my family, but I was still sticking true to my blue team! 

(At this point, I had moved to California and it made even less sense that I was a Giants fan, but my eyes just pop when I wear blue so I wasn’t giving up!)

Last year, the Giants were playing the Ravens at M&T stadium while I was home for Christmas. At the time, I had my Australian boyfriend visiting me for the holidays. (Terrible idea by the way, I don’t recommend it. Date domestically, ladies)

All this guy wanted was to go to an American football game (and for me to tell him I didn’t mind his foreskin). So, when the Giants were playing the Ravens, I took him to the game just like any good girlfriend would do. It was freezing. I was not enjoying myself. Anyways, I was confident that the Giants were going to win. 

They did not.

Hugh (the Australian), my brother and all of his fellow Ravens-fan friends were singing that catchy Raven's chant song and THE RAVENS WERE WINNING. They were all having so much fun! There I stood, in my blue jersey, shivering and sipping my disgusting Bud Lite just thinking, ‘man, that song is catchy as shit…and their team is winning!’ …I guess I just wanted to be apart of it!

Turns out, I look pretty good in purple too. I took off my Giants jersey, my brother gave me his Ravens jersey, and I never looked back.

(The Ravens then went on to win the Superbowl so I think it’s safe to say that I’m just all around WINNING.)

Two truths and a lie: I know what a running back is, I’m almost done organizing my feelings and Hugh, the foreskin was a huge problem.