Saturday Songs

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VCR-The XX
I love The XX. Great Pandora station.
I listen to them when I'm at work, gets the day moving with a good vibe.

Explosions-Ellie Goulding
I would like to formally thank the man who broke Ellie Goulding's heart. No, it's never cool to break a girls heart-but this chickadee has made some amazing music. I think she is a phenomenal artist. For some reason, this song hits home for me. Her lyrics are so intense. #Team Ellie
Explosions-Ellie Goulding (Cover)
This is a random 12 year old covering that song in a little bit of a softer version...I actually think I like her version better than Ellie's.

Ways To Go-Grouplove
The first time I heard this song was during one of my first yoga classes. All I wanted to do was dance! This is the best song to drive to with your windows down. Weeeeeee!!!!

LA Story-Sammy Adams
There's just something about cruising down Sunset Blvd listening to this song.
THIS IS OUR JAM CARISSA!

Look What They've Done To My Song-Miley Cyrus
I really don't care what anyone says, Miley Cyrus is extremely talented. She's killing it. I think it would be so fun to be friends with her. I do wish she would have stayed the way she looks in this video, but whatever, do your thing girl.

Making Me Nervous-Brad Sucks
I just kind of stumbled upon this song but don't try and tell me it's not super catchy.

Secret-Maroon 5
This is one of the sexiest songs.

Destiny-Zero 7
But this one might be sexier. I want to be by the ocean with white sheets flowing everywhere and someone...celebrating me.

So Rich So Pretty-Mickey Avalon
What a fun song!!

Cruelly Good Summer-DJ Schmolli
You are welcome.

Who Booty-John Hart
Whatever. I love this song. If you actually listen to the words, it's hilarious. Make it clap, John Hart, whoever the hell you are.

Konstantine-Something Corporate
Let's end on this one, because it's flawless.

Hold Up, Holla Days

The holidays are great. I love going home and being with my dysfunctional family and blacked out friends. The best part about home is obviously having your Mom pay for your bar bill, along with finding out that the girl you always exchanged dirty looks with in Forever 21 throughout high school now has chlamydia. It's just the best!

Throughout my travels, I noticed a few things I'd like to talk about.

(I completely understand if this is where you stop reading).

Christmas Engagements:

Guys, are you being serious?

I would be so pissed if a guy proposed to me on ANY holiday, ESPECIALLY Christmas. You think I want to share this day with the rest of the world? Not even a little bit. I want my presents spaced out...as much as possible. Propose to me in like September or June, just a month when nothing is really going on and it's warm enough outside for me to have natural highlights and a bit of a tan. 

All I'm saying is to just be a little bit more considerate. No one wants to look pale and chubby in an engagement photo; the Walden filter on Instagram can only do so much.

I'm clearly a real treat! Who wouldn't want to spend the rest of their life with this roller coaster? I KNOW! 

The Naked3 Palette:

This bullshit was a real hit this year.

I love you so much, Carrie Brenner; but this palette is kind of ridiculous. I just don't understand all the hype about it. Who needs THAT many eyeshadows? How do you make a decision in the morning? And how come your Instagram photo of it has more likes than my #TBT picture with Clinton? 

Definitely not just bitter because I didn't get the Naked3 Palette for Christmas. That's totally not it at all. I love my boring eye lids and self-help books from my Mom. 

The Girl Who Is Way Too Dressed Up At The Airport:

I'm really disturbed by this girl. 

Heals? …at the airport? Come on. You just look like an asshole. It is 6 o'clock in the morning. 6am! You had the time to put on a full contoured face of makeup, tease your hair AND wear a cute outfit? That's fine as long as you realize everyone behind you in security wants to beat you with a hot curling iron. You can not possibly be comfortable in what you're wearing. If this kind of girl is reading this, I don't understand you. You're just going to be sittin so stop with the struttin, girl. I've traveled enough to know that you never sit next to a cute boy on the plane. You sit next to a retired English teacher who talks to you about her bionic hip, for 5 hours.

#CinnabonAndYogaPants 

The Flight Attendant Who Thinks He's A Comedian:

Oh man, this has gotten bad. Real bad.

Flying Southwest feels like a Sunday night at The Comedy Store. Here we are, all held hostage, uncomfortably smooshed together and Gary thinks it's time to tell knock-knock jokes! Guess what, Gary-you're not a comedian. Hate to break it to ya, but you are a male flight attendant. Named Gary. Let's just keep it real here. You're job is to pass out the disturbingly scarce amount of snacks that we get on this flight and then clean up after me. You are not a comedian and no one is listening to you. There is nothing funny that could possibly follow the casual statement of; "In the event of a water landing…" 

IN THE 'EVENT' OF A WATER LANDING?!?!

In the event of a water landing, I'm pretty sure we're not LANDING. We're CRASHING. Also, we are all dead. You think death is funny, Gary? Watch out, Hollywood, we've got another edgy one!  

Look, Gare-Bear, it's my job to make bad jokes in front of people who aren't paying attention, you just stick with telling us what to do with the oxygen mask before we die. 

__________

Really, I hope everyone had a lovely holiday.

I can't wait to hear about all of your New Years Resolutions! Keep the forced-cleavage selfies coming, they're the best!!

(Truths and lies are throughout)

Gosling Gossip

I don't even know how to possibly have a clever segue into this so um,

HOLY CHOCOLATE BANANA BALLS I SAW, SPOKE TO, AND TOUCHED RYAN GOSLING LAST NIGHT. 

Ryan. Gosling. 

I agree. You all deserve to be apart of this.

So I'm going to tell you every detail. 

Back Story:

I work at a yoga studio once a week. Before last night, I just worked there because I got free yoga. Now, I work there because Ryan Gosling goes there.

I wasn’t even supposed to work last night. I normally only work Monday mornings but I picked up a shift to get my shift for next week covered while I’m in Maryland for Christmas.

I think this is a little something they call….Fate? Serendipity? Destiny?

I don’t know, you tell me. I’m choosing to go with all three.

As I was at the studio starting to close everything down, Ryan Gosling walked in. Just like that. He just walked in and stood there. (Apparently he gets private lessons from one of the male instructors once the studio closes down). 

Things that went through my head:

That looks just like Ryan Gosling.

Oh my god. That IS Ryan Gosling.

Ryan Gosling is in front of me right now.

Holy shit. I can’t wait to make a Facebook status about this. I am going to get SO many likes. This man is delicious.

I think my tampon just slid out. 

I should go take care of that.

Since I work there, I can’t just be jumping up and down freaking out. I have to keep the fact that I am trembling to myself. You know, keep it professional. But then, it happened…

The Touch.

Play by play:

I was walking out of the utility closet and I bumped into that perfect man as he was walking out of the men’s bathroom. The doors are right next to each other. (He actually bumped into me.) I wasn’t looking and I remember I was scratching my nose. I’m hoping my itchy nose was endearing to him. I think it was.

I thought he had gone into the hot room already so I wasn’t even expecting to see him again.

The collision was gentle. We smiled, did a half giggle, apologized to one another, and then did the awkward dance of: ‘Which way is this person gonna go? Left or right, right or left.’ SO yeah, basically we were dancing. I danced with Ryan Gosling. We apologized and giggled again. Then I walked into the girl’s bathroom because um, obviously I needed to clean up the mess that was made in my yoga pants as result to touching him. (That could mean two different things; just go with what you're comfortable with)

I walked out of the bathroom a minute later and he had just changed. He came in wearing jeans and boots with a dark green sweater. I’m wearing a dark green cardigan today. I love earth tones, he loves earth tones; maybe we can have earth tone sheets one day.

He changed into what I think guys call "athletic shorts" and girls call "bummy clothes"; either way, yes I saw him with his shirt off, yes, he is magical. He's actually skinnier and scrawnier than I had imagined. But I honestly prefer that because it’s less intimidating and now I feel like he’s a real human who eats carbs and stuff.

He smiled at me and said, "Sorry for awkwardly running into you". And I said "Not even a little bit of a problem." (I was letting him know I knew who he was and thanking him for the opportunity to make my enemies hate me even more). He smiled before walking into the hot room for his private yoga sesh (the same hot room I practiced yoga in earlier that day) and I said, "Enjoy your practice" --because it's my duty to say that on the job. He said, "Thanks, I think I will" with a very adorable smile on his perfectly scruffy face.

I had seen him once before at a gas station when I first moved to Hollywood, but he was just getting into his car to drive away so it wasn’t AS amazing. I didn’t get to touch him and talk to him the way I did last night.

When I was walking home from the studio, I noticed his same car. It’s a green Ford Escape HYBRID. (So humble, I know) He cares about the environment! And his body! I care about the environment! And his body!

I’m still relishing in that moment we shared last night.

IT STILL ISN’T OVER!

He also smelt like a meadow.

Have a good a day and enjoy the goss on Gosling!

XOXO,

Gosling Girl.

(That was punny as shit!)

Know You Before You Do You

Have you ever wondered if you would like you if you met you?

Loaded question, I know.

I don’t want to bring down the chipper tempo of this blog down to anything serious-minded, but I truly think that something a lot of people in life don’t ever get to really achieve is actually knowing who they are and understanding that person, all while being okay with it.

Before we wake up in the morning and jump into living our lives, we have to take care of who we are first, like what’s going on inside and upstairs. Otherwise, you will be eating a meatball sub at 4am with puke in your hair and no one texting you back.

I think it took me almost 22 years to acquire even just the slightest grasp of how my brain works as well as learning how to recognize my flaws and accept the things I (and plastic surgery) can’t change. I’ve been saying this for a while and it’s likely to be an everlasting statement, but I’m working on it. It’s a work in progress for sure but the first step is acknowledging the problem, right? (Don’t say my court ordered AA meetings from my DUI didn’t teach me anything! – Also, don’t try to run and hide behind a dumpster. They will find you).

Anyways, I wasn’t having the greatest morning yesterday. I actually cried in the shower and nothing is more dramatic than crying in the shower. You’re just standing there all wet and sad, staring at tile; it’s awful. What made it worse was that the reason I was upset was so stupid, so pointless and completely my own fault. I let a very senseless thing get to me. I was having a real moment of weakness-the kind T Swift sings about. Correspondingly, I am THE most groundless and irrational person when I am PMSing. Whatever. See, I am identifying it! I may be in the drive thru of a Taco Bell at 10am but I’m identifying the problem!

When I wrapped up my little pity party, I walked to my Starbucks and got my usual. (Yes, I have a usual and yes it makes me feel cool. I always feel like I’m in a Kate Hudson movie)

So, there was this lady there wearing a stupid red sweater and she just seemed to be having the dandiest morning anyone in a red sweater could ever have!

You might not know this, but when you’re cranky, a cheery lady in a red sweater is the most irritating thing in the world.

As I was at the little cream and sugar station accessorizing my coffee, she comes up to me and was like, “Hey there, neighbor! I saw you getting in your car earlier this morning and I just love your boots. I was talking to my husband about them. Love the brown with the red zipper. Are they Steve Madden? Where did you get them? ‘HONEY IT’S THE GIRL WITH THE BOOTS!’ I just love them! You also have really good hair.”

(Ok, I made up the part about her saying that I have really good hair. Either way.)

…Maybe you had to be there and see her stupid sweater and her stupid Saturday morning smile, but this lady was all up in my face asking me one too many questions about my damn boots. I was so annoyed by her and as a result, I wasn’t very pleasant towards her.

I don’t know if it’s because she was strange and invasive but I’m pretty sure I was just grumpy and all worked up about something very meaningless and she was merely being a nice person.

I walked out of Starbucks and felt pretty shitty about myself. I could have just smiled at weird red sweater lady and said, “Hello, yes, they are Steve Madden (obvi). You should get them. The zipper matches your lovely sweater. Have a nice day. ”

Instead, I was a jerk. This just made me realize that people who are jerks really aren’t happy people.

May we all take note to my favorite Legally Blonde quote:

“Happy people just don’t shoot their husbands. They just don’t.”

You are so right, Elle Woods!

I’m normally a very happy person who treats people nicely so it really got to me that I was so rude to a complete stranger, especially during the holiday season.

My Mom always taught me: “it’s all in how you recover”. If I see that lady in that Starbucks again, I’m buying her coffee. AND a protein box. I might even hug her and ask where she got her red sweater, let’s get crazy!

What got me all worked up yesterday morning was beyond trivial, it’s silly. Meanwhile, one of my best friends Dad is in the hospital with heart problems and exactly a year ago, all those little kids were shot at Sandy Hook right before Christmas. I recognized that every single one of us is facing their own battle and I needed to get over myself.

You know how when you’re sitting at a red light and you always turn your head to look at the person in the car next to you? It’s interesting if you wonder what their life is like and what they’re going through. No matter if they are sitting in a Mercedes or a Corolla, that person has their own emotional luggage that they’re dealing with.

(Aware I’m rambling) My point is basically that we are all human beings. We all have strange things that make us tick or upset us, we all have our own thoughts and feelings and act with our own behavior. A lot of the time, what we think is the end of the world, in reality will prove itself to be quite insignificant. If the 'problem' I was having yesterday morning is my biggest problem in my life right now, than I’m absolutely gratified by that.

Sometimes it’s hard to get over something. Sometimes it feels fucking impossible to get over something. If you can’t get over it, just get on with it. And don’t be a dick.

Pay it forward and be nice to someone today. It will make you feel good. You’re high if you think the person working in customer service at Bank of America actually gives a shit about your problems, they’re just trying to do their job. Don’t yell at them. (Unless you’re dealing with a Time Warner employee, you have my go-ahead to yell at them because everyone at that company is smoking latex and shitting pop rocks.)

TROOF:

The view is totes better from the high road. A tiger doesn’t lose sleep over the opinion of sheep. Get out there and be a tiger, guys. Don’t be a sheep.

(Katy Perry’s, ‘Roar’ is obviously my power song.)

Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Bitter

Shalom.

If you follow me on twitter, you've probably gathered that I could rant about certain common themes amongst social media for hours, but let’s try to keep it brief. I have a dentist appointment later.

The Hyperbolic Hashtags 

Here is something that I am unfortunately seeing more and more of: 

#Blessed

This is the most infuriating thing to me on social media. I sincerely want to stick a fork in my eyeball every single time I see a girl do this. (I will want to stick a fork in an infants eyeball if a guy ever does this.)

It’s mainly frustrating because the [yellowish-box-died] blonde girls with grown out roots and too thin of eyebrows that participate in this kind of nonsense are totally abusing the term: ‘blessed’.

Just this morning as I was sitting in traffic on my way to work, I was scrolling through my twitter feed, you know, being the decent driver that I am, and a girl tweeted:

“Such a nice day out!!! #soblessed”

Let’s try to get a few things straight, tinker bell.  

Just because it’s ‘a nice day out’ does not mean that you are ‘so blessed.’

It simply means that it’s just a nice day out. It’s not a nice day out just for you, but also for everyone else currently under the pleasant sun and sky. 

What exactly sets you apart to feel #soblessed?

Nothing. Go get your roots done.

I don’t know, maybe it’s just me being a bit uncouth, but I have never found something so mundane in life and thought to myself; Wow, I really am just so blessed. In fact, I feel so blessed I am going to throw a hashtag on that ish and tweet it for everyone to know just how blessed I feel.

(I take that back, I will feel so blessed when you all stop hashtagging ‘blessed’.)

#soblessed

Teen Moms

(Don’t worry I’m totes ready for the hate mail)

Our generation has become pretty twisted. Here’s a fact about our generation: the more bad decisions you make in life, the more popular you become on Facebook.

TEEN MOMS HAVE TAKEN OVER FACEBOOK.

It’s my observation that Teen Mom’s have become the celebrities of Facebook.

What’s with our society making us think that popularity will come from making bad decisions with black guys? (This is a Kardashian reference. Love ya, Khlo and Kourt. Hatecha, Kim).

I think it is bizzare. I was always taught to go to school, get good grades and not to get knocked up. When I made a status about graduating college, I got three likes. THREE LIKES.

One was from my Mom (who likes everything I post on Facebook) P.s., if you’re reading this, Mom--please get off Facebook. The other was from a guy named Terrance who is always slappin likes on my pictures back from 2008 and also always sending me messages that say: ‘wats good’. The last was from a distant Aunt in New Hampshire.

…NO BABY. NO LIKES.

These kinds of status’ are what get me the most:

“Ugh. Can’t sleep cuz baby Jasmine-Rose keeps fussing.  She’s still the best thing that’s ever happened to me!!!!! #momlife #blessed”

1. If you are parenting a child, let’s try to take the time to spell out the word ‘because’, shall we? 

2. Your child’s name is Jasmine-Rose? I’m sorry, was your baby conceived at a Yankee Candle? If so, that’s actually romantic as shit.

3. So sorry you can’t fall asleep; however, I guarantee if you got off of your computer and counted sheep on the wall of the basement you live in, you’d be one step closer to falling into a nice deep slumber. Letting Facebook know that you can’t fall asleep indefinitely won’t speed up the process at all. I promise.

And clearly, you are not blessed. Neither is J-Rose.

(Like I said, totes ready for the hate mail).

Single Girls on Social Media / #SingleGirlProbz

I feel like a lot of my female peers who are single spend most of their time complaining about being single.

Not cute. Really, it’s not even a little bit cute.

It is so annoying when girls complain about being single because it is simply annoying when anyone desperately cries out for attention. Maybe if you stopped complaining, things would be working out a little bit better for you. Being a whiney dependent brat is not attractive, just a little something you might want to work on.  

Here’s my theory on being in a relationship in your young twenties: Don’t do it. 

I’m not saying that I’m not just jaded and broken on the inside but I’m also not saying that I’m not, not smart.

I have friends who are in relationships and guess what, those friends aren’t very happy and their relationships aren’t very healthy.

They are always stressing out and getting themselves all worked up about what the other person is doing or who their gf/bf is snap chatting. That does not sound fun to me.

Don’t get me wrong, I am a big love bug…. but the facts are the facts:

Boys fuck things up. Girls are just fucked up.

I have a life to live. I do not have the time to be stalking your ex-girlfriend all day long or trying to break into your phone. Sometimes, I have to go to work. 

_________

I think I just realized that if I put half of the energy into my career as I did into worrying about what my last boyfriend was doing behind my back, I wouldn’t have to have this stupid blog and you wouldn’t have to be reading it. 

Two truths and a lie: A teen mom is going to beat me up later tonight. I'm going to use it as an excuse to get out of work tomorrow. Being alone is great.