I'm in a weird place.
Thursday, February 20, 2014
#GOODMUSIC
Click on these links when you get sick of hearing 'Chasing Stars' or 'Timber' on the radio:
GOT YOUR FAQS ON CLEANSING
I know what you all were thinking, "No Valentines Day post?" She must be falling in love with a hot surfer guy in Venice and all she's doing is making love and eating strawberries, she doesn't have time for a silly blog. Good for her, she deserves it!"
You're right. I have been eating a lot of strawberries.
I guess technically, I've been drinking strawberries. I was on a juice cleanse.
So many bitties these days seem to be super curious about cleanses, so I'm going to let you know what's up.
I deal with a number of insecure girls on a daily basis; it's called texting my friends back. These were some of the questions I kept getting:
"Was it hard?"
It wasn't a picnic, that's for sure. Like, literally, there was no basket filled with adorable snacks on a blanket accented by natural sunlight. The first day was the hardest. I was cold. I had a headache. I hated children. I hated lights. I hated that I couldn't find my chapstick. I hated balloons. I hated everyone around me, and they hated me back.
It got better. Once you commit yourself to it, it's fine. Not great, but it's fine.
Surprisingly, I was never SUPER hungry. It was actually a challenge for me to finish all of the juices because I got so full from them. It was like an ocean of distorted body issues floating around in my tummy.
"Why are you doing a juice cleanse?"
Because I'm overwhelmed with my high self-esteem; why do you think I'm doing a juice cleanse? I really wanted to lose four pounds.
"Did you lose any weight?"
Not really.
I don't recommend a juice cleanse for weight loss, I recommend cocaine and self-hate.
(Follow me on twitter for more deets @kelly_alto )
"Can you eat at all?"
Can you ask a question that doesn't reveal how dumb you are?
"Would you do it again?"
Sure. But not for at least another three months.
Things I Learned While On A Cleanse:
-You can get out of any social situation by saying, 'I'm on a juice cleanse' because not only will people understand that you can't eat or drink, no one wants to be around you while you're cleansing.
-A lot of people carry this weird resentment for you being on a cleanse. I can't tell you how many times someone would try to convince me to break my cleanse. It got irritating. I mean, I'm always irritated but this was significantly irritating. There was a girl in one of my writing classes who became adamant. There were cookies on the table and every other minute she would be nudging me saying, "just have the cookie. There's only one left. It's so good. Have the cookie. You sure you don't want one? You really think your juice tastes better than this cookie? Cleanses are dumb, just have a cookie." Um, like, okay bitch, what the fuck did you put in that cookie? FOR REAL.
-You can want to stab a complete stranger just because they are wearing a color that annoys you. Additionally, you can get annoyed by colors.
-It makes you realize that you normally put total crap in your body. If I ate McDonald's right now, my body would feel like it was being anally raped by an angry black man with no lube. (This imaginative feeling makes me have so much compassion for Ray Rice's, hopefully ex-fiance.)
In all seriousness?
It was actually quite delightful. It was almost like a mini 'me-time' vacation. I didn't even want to put myself in a situation where I was out being tempted by food or alcohol so I pretty much just laid low- went to work, came home, and dreamt about melted cheese. Now, I feel mad refreshed and I have the pregnant glow on my skin without the drunken regret living in my stomach.
I know you guys, this post is a dud. I just want my enemies to think that I'm skinny and successful because I was worried some of them were finding out the real truth.
From my colon to yours,
Namaste.
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