Assholes vs. Nice Guys

(Disclaimer: Get rid of any high expectations for this. I'm having a busy week.)

Whatever. Let's do this real quick.

Nice guys are always wondering/complaining why girls are always dating assholes. Don't worry, nice guys-let this champion break it down for you. I'm like, so good at this stuff.

For the majority of my dating career, I've dated assholes (SHOCKER! I know).
I feel like over the years I have developed a very special set of skills. Personally, I think that I deserve a plaque. In my mind, it would look a little something like this:

Name: Kelly Alto

Title: Professional Dick Dater

Major: Manipulation

Minor: Crying

Special Thanks: My father.

Here's the thing; no girl actually WANTS to date an asshole. However, every girl wants to be the girl that changes the asshole. I'm totes that girl. I love a good project. Sure, I guess it goes without saying that I am single.

Dating a nice guy would just be boring for me. I feel more of use in a relationship when the other person needs fixing; it keeps me busy-it's like a little part time job. 

(I thought about having a garden…..but it wouldn't yell back at me.)

Nice guys are already fixed and that's no fun. Dating someone who doesn't need fixing would be weird because it's not really yours, it just feels lived in. Gross. 

Dating an asshole is sort of like taming a wild horse-you meet out in the wild, you work to gain their trust and respect, train them a little and then you brand that mother fucker. 

….And then live in fear wondering if they're going to beat you. Who doesn't love a little adventure?!

Nice guys are like old golden retrievers. They're all loyal and fun-loving and you know that no matter what they're always going to be there waiting for you with their weird unconditional love. 

I don't know about you guys, but I want a wild beast of a horse not some old shaggy dog.

Assholes are scared of feelings and girls are scared of getting hurt. The whole sitch just makes for a fiery, passionate and zesty concoction. It's like spicy hummus, I love it!

The sex with assholes is also always better because I dunno-isn't there just something kinda hot about hating the person you're fucking? (Just me? Cool. Got it.) 

I've found that assholes are always messing things up within the relationship and girls are always being stupid and forgiving them. Basically, we're all just having make up sex all the time. Everyone knows that makeup sex is the best sex, so here's a twisted way of respecting your body. 

The best part about sex for me is knowing that they aren't texting another girl. 

(Did I mention that I'm in a really good place emotionally?)

Save all that boring love making (aka mess messing) for when you're married…probably to a nice guy.

Two Truths And A Lie: This blog serves as my diary and might escalate to a suicide note later on. I only posted this so this nice guy would stop asking me to get lunch. Now I'm having second thoughts because I could go for a free panini. 

CROSSFIT

You guys want to know how to be able to tell if someone does Crossfit?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.

In fact, they will make sure to tell you-within seconds of meeting you, and then they'll proceed to talk about Crossfit and nothing else but Crossfit. This just happened to me on my lunch break-I was just going to ask for no onions on my sandwich but cool, you flip tires in your spare time; now I know. Thanks and I'll take my sandwich to go.

I don't know when exactly it happened but Crossfit is a real big thing now.

At least here in Los Angeles, Crossfit studios are popping up everywhere. Left and right, here and there, POP! POP! Just in my neighborhood alone, there are AT LEAST 4 Crossfit studios within walking distance of me.

I'll just be strolling along going to get a coffee and I see a group of girthy people running on the sidewalk carrying tires above their head while moaning and groaning with veins popping out of their necks.

(Do the veins come with the Crossfit T-shirt?)

Is there anything more obnoxious than this? It actually startles me; I always feel like I'm about to be abducted by an angry linebacker. 

Crossfit is for sure a cult and nothing else.

Here, I'll prove it to you. Have you ever met someone who just mehhh dabbles in a little Crossfit?

No. Everyone you meet that does Crossfit is a little something like this:

(while clenching fists, thrusting, bouncing and probably spitting)

"YEAH I DO CROSSFIT! TRAIN EVERYDAY MAN! IRON PLAYGROUND! I LOVE IT! WHAT YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT PALEO DIET?! HASHTAG PALEO. HASHTAG CROSSFIT. CROSSFIT IS A LIFESTYLE. ITS MY LIFE. CROSSFIT, FUCK YEAH."

 --just a mild preview for you. 

Look-I totally comprehend how it's a 'manly' thing to do Crossfit and have that ridiculous body but if you're showing up to a cookout primarily for the protein and not the cleavage and sundresses, you are not a real man. You're just a random guy with aggressive veins eating too much chicken. 

It's interesting to me because I feel like a lot of the guys who do Crossfit are doing it to have great bodies and ultimately have sex with lots of girls. 

This doesn't quite add up for me. 

While I consider myself an active and fit person, I would never get naked next to a guy who does Crossfit. I would just look so soft compared to him. (Really by soft, I mean human). These guys are just way too intense for me. Now, I'm not saying I can't take a good beating, but I'm also not saying that I would enjoy being treated like a kettle ball in the bedroom.

Actually, I briefly dated a guy who was doing the Paleo diet and his farts smelt like dead scorpions on fire. So, there is that. Never again. 

I still have one of his "Crossfit" T-shirts and I put it on thinking that if I wore it around, I would acquire the Crossfit body. Needless to say, my butt still jiggles when I walk up steps. 

It took years for me to realize that wearing yoga pants didn't mean I had a yoga body. You can't dress the part without putting in the farts. 

Am I right, ladies?