#GOODMUSIC

Click on these links when you get sick of hearing 'Chasing Stars' or 'Timber' on the radio:

Chocolate-The 1975

Kill It-The Cinema

The Wolf-The Cinema

Running Back To You-For The Foxes

Robbers-The 1975

Save The Night-John Legend

Gun Is Loaded-Walk Off the Earth

Things We Lost In The Fire-Bastille

Timeflies-We Can't Stop

I'm in a weird place. 

GOT YOUR FAQS ON CLEANSING

I know what you all were thinking, "No Valentines Day post?" She must be falling in love with a hot surfer guy in Venice and all she's doing is making love and eating strawberries, she doesn't have time for a silly blog. Good for her, she deserves it!"

You're right. I have been eating a lot of strawberries. 

I guess technically, I've been drinking strawberries. I was on a juice cleanse. 

So many bitties these days seem to be super curious about cleanses, so I'm going to let you know what's up.

I deal with a number of insecure girls on a daily basis; it's called texting my friends back. These were some of the questions I kept getting:

"Was it hard?"

It wasn't a picnic, that's for sure. Like, literally, there was no basket filled with adorable snacks on a blanket accented by natural sunlight. The first day was the hardest. I was cold. I had a headache. I hated children. I hated lights. I hated that I couldn't find my chapstick. I hated balloons. I hated everyone around me, and they hated me back.

It got better. Once you commit yourself to it, it's fine. Not great, but it's fine. 

Surprisingly, I was never SUPER hungry. It was actually a challenge for me to finish all of the juices because I got so full from them. It was like an ocean of distorted body issues floating around in my tummy. 

"Why are you doing a juice cleanse?"

Because I'm overwhelmed with my high self-esteem; why do you think I'm doing a juice cleanse? I really wanted to lose four pounds. 

"Did you lose any weight?"

Not really.

I don't recommend a juice cleanse for weight loss, I recommend cocaine and self-hate. 

(Follow me on twitter for more deets @kelly_alto )

"Can you eat at all?"

Can you ask a question that doesn't reveal how dumb you are?

"Would you do it again?"

Sure. But not for at least another three months. 

Things I Learned While On A Cleanse:

-You can get out of any social situation by saying, 'I'm on a juice cleanse' because not only will people understand that you can't eat or drink, no one wants to be around you while you're cleansing.

-A lot of people carry this weird resentment for you being on a cleanse. I can't tell you how many times someone would try to convince me to break my cleanse. It got irritating. I mean, I'm always irritated but this was significantly irritating. There was a girl in one of my writing classes who became adamant. There were cookies on the table and every other minute she would be nudging me saying, "just have the cookie. There's only one left. It's so good. Have the cookie. You sure you don't want one? You really think your juice tastes better than this cookie? Cleanses are dumb, just have a cookie." Um, like, okay bitch, what the fuck did you put in that cookie? FOR REAL. 

-You can want to stab a complete stranger just because they are wearing a color that annoys you. Additionally, you can get annoyed by colors. 

-It makes you realize that you normally put total crap in your body. If I ate McDonald's right now, my body would feel like it was being anally raped by an angry black man with no lube. (This imaginative feeling makes me have so much compassion for Ray Rice's, hopefully ex-fiance.)  

In all seriousness?

It was actually quite delightful. It was almost like a mini 'me-time' vacation. I didn't even want to put myself in a situation where I was out being tempted by food or alcohol so I pretty much just laid low- went to work, came home, and dreamt about melted cheese. Now, I feel mad refreshed and I have the pregnant glow on my skin without the drunken regret living in my stomach.  

I know you guys, this post is a dud. I just want my enemies to think that I'm skinny and successful because I was worried some of them were finding out the real truth. 

From my colon to yours,

Namaste. 

Assholes vs. Nice Guys

(Disclaimer: Get rid of any high expectations for this. I'm having a busy week.)

Whatever. Let's do this real quick.

Nice guys are always wondering/complaining why girls are always dating assholes. Don't worry, nice guys-let this champion break it down for you. I'm like, so good at this stuff.

For the majority of my dating career, I've dated assholes (SHOCKER! I know).
I feel like over the years I have developed a very special set of skills. Personally, I think that I deserve a plaque. In my mind, it would look a little something like this:

Name: Kelly Alto

Title: Professional Dick Dater

Major: Manipulation

Minor: Crying

Special Thanks: My father.

Here's the thing; no girl actually WANTS to date an asshole. However, every girl wants to be the girl that changes the asshole. I'm totes that girl. I love a good project. Sure, I guess it goes without saying that I am single.

Dating a nice guy would just be boring for me. I feel more of use in a relationship when the other person needs fixing; it keeps me busy-it's like a little part time job. 

(I thought about having a garden…..but it wouldn't yell back at me.)

Nice guys are already fixed and that's no fun. Dating someone who doesn't need fixing would be weird because it's not really yours, it just feels lived in. Gross. 

Dating an asshole is sort of like taming a wild horse-you meet out in the wild, you work to gain their trust and respect, train them a little and then you brand that mother fucker. 

….And then live in fear wondering if they're going to beat you. Who doesn't love a little adventure?!

Nice guys are like old golden retrievers. They're all loyal and fun-loving and you know that no matter what they're always going to be there waiting for you with their weird unconditional love. 

I don't know about you guys, but I want a wild beast of a horse not some old shaggy dog.

Assholes are scared of feelings and girls are scared of getting hurt. The whole sitch just makes for a fiery, passionate and zesty concoction. It's like spicy hummus, I love it!

The sex with assholes is also always better because I dunno-isn't there just something kinda hot about hating the person you're fucking? (Just me? Cool. Got it.) 

I've found that assholes are always messing things up within the relationship and girls are always being stupid and forgiving them. Basically, we're all just having make up sex all the time. Everyone knows that makeup sex is the best sex, so here's a twisted way of respecting your body. 

The best part about sex for me is knowing that they aren't texting another girl. 

(Did I mention that I'm in a really good place emotionally?)

Save all that boring love making (aka mess messing) for when you're married…probably to a nice guy.

Two Truths And A Lie: This blog serves as my diary and might escalate to a suicide note later on. I only posted this so this nice guy would stop asking me to get lunch. Now I'm having second thoughts because I could go for a free panini. 

CROSSFIT

You guys want to know how to be able to tell if someone does Crossfit?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.

In fact, they will make sure to tell you-within seconds of meeting you, and then they'll proceed to talk about Crossfit and nothing else but Crossfit. This just happened to me on my lunch break-I was just going to ask for no onions on my sandwich but cool, you flip tires in your spare time; now I know. Thanks and I'll take my sandwich to go.

I don't know when exactly it happened but Crossfit is a real big thing now.

At least here in Los Angeles, Crossfit studios are popping up everywhere. Left and right, here and there, POP! POP! Just in my neighborhood alone, there are AT LEAST 4 Crossfit studios within walking distance of me.

I'll just be strolling along going to get a coffee and I see a group of girthy people running on the sidewalk carrying tires above their head while moaning and groaning with veins popping out of their necks.

(Do the veins come with the Crossfit T-shirt?)

Is there anything more obnoxious than this? It actually startles me; I always feel like I'm about to be abducted by an angry linebacker. 

Crossfit is for sure a cult and nothing else.

Here, I'll prove it to you. Have you ever met someone who just mehhh dabbles in a little Crossfit?

No. Everyone you meet that does Crossfit is a little something like this:

(while clenching fists, thrusting, bouncing and probably spitting)

"YEAH I DO CROSSFIT! TRAIN EVERYDAY MAN! IRON PLAYGROUND! I LOVE IT! WHAT YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT PALEO DIET?! HASHTAG PALEO. HASHTAG CROSSFIT. CROSSFIT IS A LIFESTYLE. ITS MY LIFE. CROSSFIT, FUCK YEAH."

 --just a mild preview for you. 

Look-I totally comprehend how it's a 'manly' thing to do Crossfit and have that ridiculous body but if you're showing up to a cookout primarily for the protein and not the cleavage and sundresses, you are not a real man. You're just a random guy with aggressive veins eating too much chicken. 

It's interesting to me because I feel like a lot of the guys who do Crossfit are doing it to have great bodies and ultimately have sex with lots of girls. 

This doesn't quite add up for me. 

While I consider myself an active and fit person, I would never get naked next to a guy who does Crossfit. I would just look so soft compared to him. (Really by soft, I mean human). These guys are just way too intense for me. Now, I'm not saying I can't take a good beating, but I'm also not saying that I would enjoy being treated like a kettle ball in the bedroom.

Actually, I briefly dated a guy who was doing the Paleo diet and his farts smelt like dead scorpions on fire. So, there is that. Never again. 

I still have one of his "Crossfit" T-shirts and I put it on thinking that if I wore it around, I would acquire the Crossfit body. Needless to say, my butt still jiggles when I walk up steps. 

It took years for me to realize that wearing yoga pants didn't mean I had a yoga body. You can't dress the part without putting in the farts. 

Am I right, ladies?

Saturday Songs

STAY TUNED!

(Click)

VCR-The XX
I love The XX. Great Pandora station.
I listen to them when I'm at work, gets the day moving with a good vibe.

Explosions-Ellie Goulding
I would like to formally thank the man who broke Ellie Goulding's heart. No, it's never cool to break a girls heart-but this chickadee has made some amazing music. I think she is a phenomenal artist. For some reason, this song hits home for me. Her lyrics are so intense. #Team Ellie
Explosions-Ellie Goulding (Cover)
This is a random 12 year old covering that song in a little bit of a softer version...I actually think I like her version better than Ellie's.

Ways To Go-Grouplove
The first time I heard this song was during one of my first yoga classes. All I wanted to do was dance! This is the best song to drive to with your windows down. Weeeeeee!!!!

LA Story-Sammy Adams
There's just something about cruising down Sunset Blvd listening to this song.
THIS IS OUR JAM CARISSA!

Look What They've Done To My Song-Miley Cyrus
I really don't care what anyone says, Miley Cyrus is extremely talented. She's killing it. I think it would be so fun to be friends with her. I do wish she would have stayed the way she looks in this video, but whatever, do your thing girl.

Making Me Nervous-Brad Sucks
I just kind of stumbled upon this song but don't try and tell me it's not super catchy.

Secret-Maroon 5
This is one of the sexiest songs.

Destiny-Zero 7
But this one might be sexier. I want to be by the ocean with white sheets flowing everywhere and someone...celebrating me.

So Rich So Pretty-Mickey Avalon
What a fun song!!

Cruelly Good Summer-DJ Schmolli
You are welcome.

Who Booty-John Hart
Whatever. I love this song. If you actually listen to the words, it's hilarious. Make it clap, John Hart, whoever the hell you are.

Konstantine-Something Corporate
Let's end on this one, because it's flawless.

Hold Up, Holla Days

The holidays are great. I love going home and being with my dysfunctional family and blacked out friends. The best part about home is obviously having your Mom pay for your bar bill, along with finding out that the girl you always exchanged dirty looks with in Forever 21 throughout high school now has chlamydia. It's just the best!

Throughout my travels, I noticed a few things I'd like to talk about.

(I completely understand if this is where you stop reading).

Christmas Engagements:

Guys, are you being serious?

I would be so pissed if a guy proposed to me on ANY holiday, ESPECIALLY Christmas. You think I want to share this day with the rest of the world? Not even a little bit. I want my presents spaced out...as much as possible. Propose to me in like September or June, just a month when nothing is really going on and it's warm enough outside for me to have natural highlights and a bit of a tan. 

All I'm saying is to just be a little bit more considerate. No one wants to look pale and chubby in an engagement photo; the Walden filter on Instagram can only do so much.

I'm clearly a real treat! Who wouldn't want to spend the rest of their life with this roller coaster? I KNOW! 

The Naked3 Palette:

This bullshit was a real hit this year.

I love you so much, Carrie Brenner; but this palette is kind of ridiculous. I just don't understand all the hype about it. Who needs THAT many eyeshadows? How do you make a decision in the morning? And how come your Instagram photo of it has more likes than my #TBT picture with Clinton? 

Definitely not just bitter because I didn't get the Naked3 Palette for Christmas. That's totally not it at all. I love my boring eye lids and self-help books from my Mom. 

The Girl Who Is Way Too Dressed Up At The Airport:

I'm really disturbed by this girl. 

Heals? …at the airport? Come on. You just look like an asshole. It is 6 o'clock in the morning. 6am! You had the time to put on a full contoured face of makeup, tease your hair AND wear a cute outfit? That's fine as long as you realize everyone behind you in security wants to beat you with a hot curling iron. You can not possibly be comfortable in what you're wearing. If this kind of girl is reading this, I don't understand you. You're just going to be sittin so stop with the struttin, girl. I've traveled enough to know that you never sit next to a cute boy on the plane. You sit next to a retired English teacher who talks to you about her bionic hip, for 5 hours.

#CinnabonAndYogaPants 

The Flight Attendant Who Thinks He's A Comedian:

Oh man, this has gotten bad. Real bad.

Flying Southwest feels like a Sunday night at The Comedy Store. Here we are, all held hostage, uncomfortably smooshed together and Gary thinks it's time to tell knock-knock jokes! Guess what, Gary-you're not a comedian. Hate to break it to ya, but you are a male flight attendant. Named Gary. Let's just keep it real here. You're job is to pass out the disturbingly scarce amount of snacks that we get on this flight and then clean up after me. You are not a comedian and no one is listening to you. There is nothing funny that could possibly follow the casual statement of; "In the event of a water landing…" 

IN THE 'EVENT' OF A WATER LANDING?!?!

In the event of a water landing, I'm pretty sure we're not LANDING. We're CRASHING. Also, we are all dead. You think death is funny, Gary? Watch out, Hollywood, we've got another edgy one!  

Look, Gare-Bear, it's my job to make bad jokes in front of people who aren't paying attention, you just stick with telling us what to do with the oxygen mask before we die. 

__________

Really, I hope everyone had a lovely holiday.

I can't wait to hear about all of your New Years Resolutions! Keep the forced-cleavage selfies coming, they're the best!!

(Truths and lies are throughout)

Gosling Gossip

I don't even know how to possibly have a clever segue into this so um,

HOLY CHOCOLATE BANANA BALLS I SAW, SPOKE TO, AND TOUCHED RYAN GOSLING LAST NIGHT. 

Ryan. Gosling. 

I agree. You all deserve to be apart of this.

So I'm going to tell you every detail. 

Back Story:

I work at a yoga studio once a week. Before last night, I just worked there because I got free yoga. Now, I work there because Ryan Gosling goes there.

I wasn’t even supposed to work last night. I normally only work Monday mornings but I picked up a shift to get my shift for next week covered while I’m in Maryland for Christmas.

I think this is a little something they call….Fate? Serendipity? Destiny?

I don’t know, you tell me. I’m choosing to go with all three.

As I was at the studio starting to close everything down, Ryan Gosling walked in. Just like that. He just walked in and stood there. (Apparently he gets private lessons from one of the male instructors once the studio closes down). 

Things that went through my head:

That looks just like Ryan Gosling.

Oh my god. That IS Ryan Gosling.

Ryan Gosling is in front of me right now.

Holy shit. I can’t wait to make a Facebook status about this. I am going to get SO many likes. This man is delicious.

I think my tampon just slid out. 

I should go take care of that.

Since I work there, I can’t just be jumping up and down freaking out. I have to keep the fact that I am trembling to myself. You know, keep it professional. But then, it happened…

The Touch.

Play by play:

I was walking out of the utility closet and I bumped into that perfect man as he was walking out of the men’s bathroom. The doors are right next to each other. (He actually bumped into me.) I wasn’t looking and I remember I was scratching my nose. I’m hoping my itchy nose was endearing to him. I think it was.

I thought he had gone into the hot room already so I wasn’t even expecting to see him again.

The collision was gentle. We smiled, did a half giggle, apologized to one another, and then did the awkward dance of: ‘Which way is this person gonna go? Left or right, right or left.’ SO yeah, basically we were dancing. I danced with Ryan Gosling. We apologized and giggled again. Then I walked into the girl’s bathroom because um, obviously I needed to clean up the mess that was made in my yoga pants as result to touching him. (That could mean two different things; just go with what you're comfortable with)

I walked out of the bathroom a minute later and he had just changed. He came in wearing jeans and boots with a dark green sweater. I’m wearing a dark green cardigan today. I love earth tones, he loves earth tones; maybe we can have earth tone sheets one day.

He changed into what I think guys call "athletic shorts" and girls call "bummy clothes"; either way, yes I saw him with his shirt off, yes, he is magical. He's actually skinnier and scrawnier than I had imagined. But I honestly prefer that because it’s less intimidating and now I feel like he’s a real human who eats carbs and stuff.

He smiled at me and said, "Sorry for awkwardly running into you". And I said "Not even a little bit of a problem." (I was letting him know I knew who he was and thanking him for the opportunity to make my enemies hate me even more). He smiled before walking into the hot room for his private yoga sesh (the same hot room I practiced yoga in earlier that day) and I said, "Enjoy your practice" --because it's my duty to say that on the job. He said, "Thanks, I think I will" with a very adorable smile on his perfectly scruffy face.

I had seen him once before at a gas station when I first moved to Hollywood, but he was just getting into his car to drive away so it wasn’t AS amazing. I didn’t get to touch him and talk to him the way I did last night.

When I was walking home from the studio, I noticed his same car. It’s a green Ford Escape HYBRID. (So humble, I know) He cares about the environment! And his body! I care about the environment! And his body!

I’m still relishing in that moment we shared last night.

IT STILL ISN’T OVER!

He also smelt like a meadow.

Have a good a day and enjoy the goss on Gosling!

XOXO,

Gosling Girl.

(That was punny as shit!)